Your company's founding month determines its startup zodiac sign — from The Bootstrapper to The Zombie Unicorn. Find your sign below for this week's reading, or tap through for the full mystical profile. New reading every Monday. Purely for entertainment; please don't raise or not raise a round based on this.
Self-funded, allergic to term sheets, secretly proud of the ramen diet.
Someone calls your company a “lifestyle business.” Correct them: it's a profitable business.
Third business model this year. First one that's actually working.
You'll consider pivoting again this week. Sleep on it. Sleep on it twice.
Incredible narrative, TBD fundamentals, unreasonably good at demo day.
The vibes are immaculate. The unit economics remain a rumor.
Heads-down, ships relentlessly, forgets to tell anyone.
You'll fix a bug that's been live for six months. No one will notice. You will feel enormous relief anyway.
Raises entirely on vibes, warm intros, and a truly excellent LinkedIn game.
This week's most important metric: number of people who like you. It's going great.
Swings enormous, burns fast, occasionally actually lands on the moon.
If it works, you're a visionary. If it doesn't, you're a cautionary tale with a great TED talk. Either way, content.
Always “closing soon.” Has been closing soon since March.
You'll say “we're being selective about who gets in” about a round that would take literally anyone's check right now.
Boring, profitable, blissfully ignored by TechCrunch, laughing all the way to the exit.
This week you quietly clear another profitable quarter. No confetti. No press release. Just compounding.
Third startup. Learned everything the hard way twice already.
An old cofounder texts out of nowhere. Could be nostalgia. Could be a subpoena. Answer carefully.
Rose from re-priced ashes. Still standing. Still fundable, somehow.
You survived the round nobody thought you'd survive. That's the whole horoscope this week: you're still here.
Defined the market. Everyone else is just describing your product with different words.
A challenger raises at 10x revenue on vibes alone. You raised at half that on actual revenue. History will remember who was right.
Still “a unicorn” on paper. Spiritually, deeply tired.
Someone floats a “strategic alternative.” You know exactly what that means. You nod anyway.