Your company's founding month determines its startup zodiac sign — from The Bootstrapper to The Zombie Unicorn. Find your sign below for this week's reading, or tap through for the full mystical profile. New reading every Monday. Purely for entertainment; please don't raise or not raise a round based on this.
Self-funded, allergic to term sheets, secretly proud of the ramen diet.
A friend will raise a $40M seed round for something you built in a weekend. Let it go.
Third business model this year. First one that's actually working.
An investor asks “so what do you actually do now?” Have a one-liner ready. You'll need it twice this week.
Incredible narrative, TBD fundamentals, unreasonably good at demo day.
You'll get asked for “real numbers” in a board meeting. Consider this a professional foul, not a red card.
Heads-down, ships relentlessly, forgets to tell anyone.
Your changelog is a masterpiece nobody reads. Read it to yourself sometimes.
Raises entirely on vibes, warm intros, and a truly excellent LinkedIn game.
A warm intro leads to a term sheet before your product has a pricing page. Ride the wave.
Swings enormous, burns fast, occasionally actually lands on the moon.
A skeptic calls your roadmap “science fiction.” Correct: it's science fiction with a Series B.
Always “closing soon.” Has been closing soon since March.
Your SAFE cap has been renegotiated twice. The number keeps getting more honest.
Boring, profitable, blissfully ignored by TechCrunch, laughing all the way to the exit.
Someone forwards you a hype-cycle darling's down-round news. You say nothing. You feel something.
Third startup. Learned everything the hard way twice already.
This time, you actually read the term sheet before signing. Character development.
Rose from re-priced ashes. Still standing. Still fundable, somehow.
You'll say “right-sized the valuation” in a board meeting with a completely straight face.
Defined the market. Everyone else is just describing your product with different words.
A rival gets acquired for a headline number that's still smaller than your last round. Stay humble. Or don't.
Still “a unicorn” on paper. Spiritually, deeply tired.
This week's board deck uses the phrase “path to profitability” for the ninth consecutive quarter.